Well, recently our
favorite CEO stepped down and let one of his friends take the reins of
a huge company. Little
Billy Gates, CEO of Microsoft, decided last week to hand over the
title of CEO to Steven Ballmer, good ol’ Number #2.

In light of this, I
have decided we need a tutorial on how to make a multinational
conglomerate bent on world domination. And now: ON TO THE TUTORIAL!!

1. Find an idea
   that people don’t expect to be big.
   Microsoft started with Gates and one of his pals developing the
   BASIC language for use on the MITS Altair 8800: a nice little PC
   running at 2 MHz (Wahoo) and holding a whopping 256 bytes of RAM.

2. Sell it.
   At the time, Micro-soft (yes, their name had a hyphen at the
   time) sold it’s product to just about everybody. They all wanted it. They
   had deals with IBM, MITS, and just about every other computer
   manufacturer at the time. They
   had to modify stuff slightly between companies, but it worked the
   same, and everyone loved it. By 1976, profits were at an unprecedented $22,000.

3. Work in
   other markets as well.
   Micro-soft released FORTRAN and COBOL-80 packages, so you
   could work in more powerful and confusing languages than BASIC. By 1980, they had also gotten involved in the market Apple
   had. They released a
   hardware card (Z-80 SoftCard) which allowed the Apple to run
   FORTRAN, COBOL, and BASIC. This
   established them as a developer of hardware as well as software. By this time, they had revenues near $8 Million for the
   year.

4. Market a huge
   product, unrivaled by anything ever devised prior.
   MS-DOS 1.0. The
   first major OS. Yes,
   I realize Microsoft made Xenix OS, but compared to DOS 1.0, that
   was nothing. If you
   build it, they will come. Within
   16 months, at least 50 companies had licensed DOS for their use.

5. Make stuff
   to run on your unrivaled product.
   Microsoft began developing business software, including
   Multiplan (a spreadsheet program). Word was unveiled as well, in its handy DOS glory. During this time, they had a revenue of around $50 Million. It was 1983.

6. Make an
   add-on to your product.
   Well, now you can go out and buy MS Plus! for all your happy
   Windows products. Back
   then, in 1983, Microsoft released the first ever add-on pack. It was an extension to MS-DOS. They called it Microsoft Windows, and it cost $99. To go with it, they introduced the concept of controlling
   things onscreen with a mobile cursor, called a mouse.

7. Make an IPO;
   sell lots of stock in yourself.
   Microsoft debuted on the NYSE at $21 per share in 1986 with
   2.5 million shares, rising $7 per share in the first trading day. Wahoo! They
   raised around $60 million in the IPO.

8. You need to
   get so large you must subdivide.
   In 1989, Microsoft got really subdivided – they had
   hardware, peripheral, software, and multimedia divisions. Not to mention that by now, Microsoft already has
   production in Ireland, England, Japan, and quite a few places in
   the US. They have
   just recently incorporated the cool technology of CDs, for
   Microsoft Office and Bookshelf.

9. Innovate for
   a new decade, and make people like you.
   Microsoft gains some notoriety in 1990 when they surpass
   revenues of $1 billion. They
   open an international headquarters in Paris, and international
   sales account for 55% of sales. They release the OS we all remember too well, Windows 3.0,
   and launch the largest marketing campaign in Microsoft history to
   date just to market Windows.

10. Make a name
    for yourself by getting in trouble.
    Microsoft, by 1993, had a couple of lawsuits against them, and
    way back in 1990, the Federal Trade Commission was already
    investigating them for possible anti-trust violations. However, they still prevailed, and had subdivided the earth
    into multiple divisions, for international and local marketing and
    assistance. Right
    around now Billy Gates starts getting jokes put out about how he
    is the antichrist.

11. Assimilate
    the competition.
    If you remove the competition, you can advance so much more
    easily, especially if you have their best brains with you. In 1994 Microsoft assimilates SOFTIMAGE, a leader in 2D and
    3D imaging. They also
    announce Windows 95. The
    following year they begin acquisition of DreamWorks SKG. In 1996, they also assimilate Vermeer, so as to obtain the
    FrontPage HTML design.

12. Begin making
    technologies that people cannot live without.
    Microsoft worked on and released the ActiveX in 1996, and
    achieved a strong hold on the Internet community. Also, it accomplished this as well back in 1995 when the
    amazing Windows 95 sold over 1 million copies in its first four
    days of sales. At the
    time, Microsoft products were sold as impulse buy items, placed
    near checkout lanes, and in high traffic areas of retailers like
    Wal-Mart. This helped
    make more money for Microsoft, which had revenue of nearly $8.7
    billion in 1996.

13. Get in good
    with all the activists.
    Gates donates, shall we say large quantities of cash to
    many prestigious organizations. Microsoft even agrees to match parts of his donations with
    software.

14. Use your
    notoriety to conquer earth.
    Well, now that you have gotten in good with all the important
    people, start your move toward world domination. You have large sums of personal wealth, use them to
    purchase a small army. 1998
    Microsoft revenue was $14.5 billion. The Justice Dept. is on your case, so why not strike
    quickly, before they break up your operations. Take over a small country, and move your headquarters
    there. Shift your
    technological development team to biological warfare. Sell some of the data to your allies for a good profit, and
    then take them over. Rinse,
    repeat as necessary.

15. Rule with a
    silicon fist.
    Use your newly gained power to rule as you see fit. Use people to mine precious metals for you, or whatever.

16. Assist in
    the apocalypse.
    Assist the forces of evil in the final confrontation, etc.

Well, the
definition of apocalypse includes the phrase “great or total
devastation; doom.” This
informs me that no one will survive. So, you don’t really have to worry about what happens
afterwards. Just
remember, when you see the bright apocalyptic nuclear flash –
“Duck, cover, and kiss your butt goodbye.”