Back in college, when I was switching majors faster than Trump switches wives, I became obsessed with embarking on an advertising career, speculating that I, a mere youth, could create ads and slogans better than most seasoned admen out there. I had endured enough “Tastes Great, Less Filling” commercials to conclude that someone needed to fill the country’s talent vacuum, at least where ad writing was concerned. Then I happened to catch an episode of “thirtysomething,” a TV drama set in the cut-throat advertising world, and that cured me. Heavens, it’s a jungle out there.
However, as I drudge along churning out one technical manual after another, I often find myself dissecting product slogans that you and I are peppered with on the order of 1,500 times a day. Unfair? Maybe. After all, a slogan is intended to be more subliminal than cerebral. But if companies are going to pay millions of dollars for these slogans (and they do), it seems to me that someone ought to pay attention to what they are really saying, particularly in the logical, if-then-else world of computers.
IBM. Solutions for a small planet.
I don’t get this slogan. Who thinks of Earth as a small planet? Is it because the Internet is supposed to be making the world “seem” smaller, and IBM is offering solutions to help us think that way? Is that supposed to make me rush out and buy an AS/400? Even if the slogan works, with 6 billion people on Earth, I’d rather think of it as a large planet. That way, maybe we’ll have room for another 6 billion. This slogan’s only saving grace is that it’s a far cry better than the slogan it replaced: “IBM: Computers help people help people.” Ugh.
Novell. Connect.
This is not so much a slogan as it is a command. “We’re Novell and we know what you need to do. You need to connect. And you need to do it now. Our stock price can’t take too many more blows to the head.” I have some inside information about this slogan. Years ago, when I worked for Novell, they paid an unholy amount of money to some hack to come up with a fresh slogan. After several months of anticipation, the company rolled out a slogan that was so bad, it garnered instant legendary status among employees. The slogan was “Everything’s Connected.” It sounded like a song that Big Bird should be singing on Sesame Street. “Everything’s Connected.” The dorkiest two words ever uttered in the history of mass media, with the possible exception of “Seacrest out.” So “Novell. Connect” is really just a shortened, less vague, somewhat banal version of “Everything’s Connected.” Hey man, whatever gets you through your fiscal year.
Cisco. This is the power of the network. Now.
Here’s an idea…just go with “Cisco: The Power of the Network.” That’s what you’re trying to say, right? But then, Cisco has a long history of wordy slogans. Remember these?
“Cisco. Changing the way we work, live, play, and learn.”
“Cisco. Empowering the Internet generation.”
“Cisco. The fastest way to increase your Internet Quotient.”
Cisco has never really figured out that brevity is the key to a good slogan. In fact, that last one sounds like something that the CEO thought of while driving to the office one morning. (“Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Instead of Intelligence Quotient, maybe we could make IQ stand for Internet Quotient. That would be really groovy. I mean, really groovy!”) So here’s a clue for all CEOs – HEY! YOU’RE NOT AD WRITERS, SO STOP ABUSING YOUR POWER BY FORCING YOUR STUPID IDEAS ON PEOPLE WHO WON’T DISAGREE WITH YOU FOR FEAR OF LOSING THEIR JOBS!
(Man, that was therapeutic.)
Microsoft. Your potential. Our passion.
I don’t hate this slogan. I really don’t. But it’s just too forgettable. I’ll bet you didn’t even know that this was Microsoft’s current slogan. It just doesn’t hold up next to the company’s old slogan of “Where do you want to go today?” Everyone, but everyone, remembers that slogan. It invoked unlimited possibilities and untold dreams of happiness and wanderlust. Ok, maybe it just made you think of software. But it was an open-ended question. Never mind that you and I had to go to work today. Every time we saw that slogan, we dreamed just a little bit. The new slogan about potential and passion is less quixotic and probably more apropos for a software company. But six months after Microsoft switches to a new slogan, you’ll have forgotten all about this one. Guaranteed.
Easy as Dell.
Please. Am I the only one who thinks this is a take-off on the vulgarism “easy as hell”? “Hey, you want to get a new computer? It’s as easy as hell!” “You want to surf the web? Easy as hell!” Seriously, what possible value does Dell think it’s going to get out of this slogan other than a cheap, sophomoric joke. Sure, it’s funny, in a Napoleon Dynamite sort of way. But with this slogan, Michael Dell is making the mistake of marketing his computers to a demographic group that, for the most part, can’t afford to buy them.
So are there any good slogans? Of course there are. Some of them are catchy, memorable, and invoke a good feeling. I’ll finish with a few that actually cut the muster. You future ad writers, feel free to cut and paste the following slogans, and make your own notes. They don’t come along too often.
Intel inside.
Apple. Think different.
Fujitsu. The possibilities are infinite.
Hewlett Packard. Invent.
GE. We bring good things to life.
McAfee. Protection you can trust.
And my personal favorite…
Ken Circeo. Writing because he needs the money.
Like what you read?
If so, please join over 28,000 people who receive our exclusive weekly newsletter and computer tips, and get FREE COPIES of 5 eBooks we created, as our gift to you for subscribing. Just enter your name and email below:
