Friends, Romans
(howbeit very few of you are from even an area near Rome, let
alone there), countrymen (and city men), lend me your ears. It is almost thanksgiving, and if I don’t get this article
written soon, it won’t be ready and up by thanksgiving. Thanksgiving signals the point where it’s almost the time
that is almost the New Year. And
remember, the New Year will be the year 2000. Apocalyptic prophets, like Nostradamus or Bill Gates, refer to
the year 2000 as Y2K. Now,
in making a buzzword, they gain more power over the lesser people of
the earth. The creation
of a buzzword makes it look like they are truly intelligent and good,
and not minions of Satan.

Well, way back in
the days of Hitler, there was a little man in a Berlin who got bored. He started writing the first known computer game, on the first
known computer language, called Plankalkul. Computers didn’t even exist, aside from that he was designing
one of those, too. His
name? Konrad Zuse. It was a chess game that he designed, and deep in the dark
caverns of the code was ingrained the subroutine for checking what the
date is, for the high score table. This date was using only two digits, which made it easier for
him to conserve ink, which was obviously rationed at the time. In his memoirs, we see that he knew this would be catastrophic
at some time in the future, but we did nothing about it, we let it
grow, snowball, into a massive apocalyptic horrific terrifyingly bad
evil thing. When the
clock rolls over to the new millennium, nothing significant should
happen, because the new millennium is the year 2001. But when the clock rolls over to the year 2000, horrible things
could happen.

Such horrible
things are the things foretold by Nostradamus and Bill Gates. Of course, Nostradamus predicted massive famine and killings
all over the planet, and Bill Gates predicted a Microsoft Antitrust
case. Both of these
people were right. Coincidence
that this occurs in the year 2000, I THINK NOT!

Now, more computer
related horrible things. If
the clock says 00, and not 2000, it could think that you haven’t
been born yet, or worse, it could think that it hasn’t been born
yet. And on top of all
this, chips that can tell the time and date are integrated into many
appliances. Take your
curling iron for instance. The
instructions tell you it needs a few minutes to warm up. How would it know when a few minutes had passed without being
able to tell the time? It
needs one of those chips, and therefore it could possibly not function
properly or at all after January 1, 2000. It could take longer to heat up, or it could heat up right
away.

Also, because Big
Brother is run on a computer, the government will be swept into
absolute chaos. The
government will open fire on its own citizens. It will launch massive nuclear assaults against small hamlets,
just because its confused. There will be no power, and all the football games will be
called off on account of global turmoil. The antichrist will ascend from hell and begin to take over. Your toaster strudel wont get toasted right, and your car will
stall on the highway. But,
there is a shimmering ray of hope. Not too shimmering, but shimmery enough that all those poor
saps that aren’t apocalyptic might feel better. That shimmery ray of hope says that if we can change every
single one of those chips into a chip that uses four digits to
represent the year, there will be global peace, no more famine,
killings, or badness in general.

Of course, none of
this will ever happen. We
will never replace all those chips in time to stop the apocalypse. We are all going to DIE!!!

This article
contained no sentient thought. My
computer wrote this all without me. My computer felt that it needed to mock the apocalyptic human
race, completely reliant on computers. I turned my computer off, gave it a good beating, and it
behaved thereafter.

So, as I was
saying, DEATH awaits us all because we used two digits for the year
instead of four. How
incredibly stupid could we all have been. We have signed away our lives. It is by our own fault that we will be destroyed. In showing you all this, I have enlightened you, but I have
also become a harbinger of the apocalypse. Woe is me, I have become death, destroyer of worlds.
This
concludes my Thanksgiving Day rant. I give thanks for the oncoming apocalypse, and for all the
faithful PC Mechanic readers who will die with me in the flames of the
world as it is destroyed by the ensuing nuclear holocaust and ice age. I also give thanks for the little man who caused all this by
his “ingenious” method of saving ink. If it weren’t for a little German man, we would all live
through the new year. So,
everyone, give thanks for the few months that you have left to live,
for your loved ones, for everything other than that little German man
and his DAMNED chess game that caused the end of the world.