I was building a server for Santa’s Workshop Inc., to accommodate an upgrade for their Check it Twice software, when it occurred to me that this is a great year to be on his good list.
Don’t get after me for bringing up Santa this early–most stores I’ve been in have some hint that Christmas is close, and there’s a Christmas store nearby that, with the exception of a month in the Spring, is open year-round.
In order to test the server I had to run the Check it Twice app a few times. Naturally, I entered names of well known personalities, family members, close friends, and editors. The nice thing about this app is it doesn’t just stop at naughty or nice, it also outlines the gifts that will be given based on how nice (and naughty) someone is. You have to have sent an actual list for the program to work, and because everybody waits for the last minute there are very few lists to work with. So I created some of my own.
Dopey, the Elf (former dwarf) that Santa put in charge of getting the new server, forgot to hand me a non-disclosure document. So here I am, the night before this article is due, and all through the house, not an idea is stirring, not even a lousy one. Although the moral dilemma is agonizing, I have to bow to pressure and reveal some Christmas secrets.
First of all, the President of the United States–leader of the free world. For his attempt to eliminate terrorism he will be getting a full-featured gaming rig–the latest and greatest from AlienWare–and the only game installed will be Pong. Looks like Santa has a sense of humor, or he is trying to send a political message. As for the naughty-and-nice list, the program seems to have trouble deciding which side to put him on.
Bill Gates, the man who has everything, was on the nice list, mostly for his donation to AIDS research. However, when I tried to run the gift module for Bill, Windows would crash. Good Old Saint Nick was walking by when he saw me working on Bill’s profile and the resulting crash. He shoved me aside, reprogrammed the module’s parameters, and now Gates flagged as naughty–and his name is listed as “Big Bad Bill.” Sorry, Mr. Gates, I would have protested, but Santa was in a “harrumph, harrumph, harrumph” mood rather than his usual “ho, ho, ho” self. I’ll see what I can do when he’s not looking.
Next I looked up Lara Croft, who was not on the list, then realizing my mistake I searched for and found Joley, Angelina. Her nice meter was rather high for her work in third world countries, and she had actually sent in a list. Along with eradicate world hunger and peace on earth, it also included a new satellite phone with a GPS system. It has a homing device and a beacon that can be attached to someone’s ankle. I wonder who she is thinking of?
There are a lot of people who haven’t sent in their lists and I feel it is the perfect time to create a database for the holiday season, even if you want to purchase the equipment and build your own computer yourself (don’t forget to ask for the Build Your Own Computer book and CD). There’s the new Core Duo processors from Intel, Bluetooth is having its coming-out party (finally), and Media Center PCs are starting to look as good as your high-end stereo system. With Vista on the horizon, you might want to set your sights on a computer that can handle the extra graphics capabilities of that Operating System.
Cell phones that communicate with your computer, include MP3 players and video recorders, are on many people’s lists. Some would like a cell phone that they can Skype in and out with, and that has a camera which doubles as a cam for their computers.
I had to bow to the temptation of changing my status from naughty to nice in Santa’s Check it Twice software. If all goes well, my stocking will have a laser mouse, a gaming keyboard, and a few games like FSW: Ten Hammer. My new gaming rig will have a motherboard that can handle a quad SLI graphics card and a PhysX proc at the same time. Also, my boys and I are into video editing, so the two dual core extreme edition Xeon CPUs on the Jolly Old Elf’s server are high on my list for the insides of a video processing workstation. Overkill, no doubt, but who doesn’t like overkill when it comes to computers?
I would also like to have a car with a wireless connection to my home network so I can download MP3s that I want to listen to on my next trip. The car will also let me change its onboard computer performance characteristics from the comfort of my PC.
As I was leaving after I finished with the server deployment Santa called me into his office. After offering me some peanut butter cookies and skim milk, he looked at me over his glasses and raised his bushy white eyebrows. “I know how to use the software as well,” he scolded. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice that you changed your status? And …” he raised a white-gloved finger in the air for emphasis, “…don’t you think the list you created for yourself is a bit implausible?”
“Um,” I said, feeling a bit like a bowl full of jelly. How do you negotiate with Santa?
It seems that he will be watching me a bit closer between now and his departure time on Christmas Eve. The software, apparently, can make instant updates to my status based on observations from numerous inputs. That means I’ll have to be good on that day I shop for presents–December 24th.
Oh well, I guess for me it’s back to another Christmas where all I will get for my efforts is a list of things I wanted.
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