I just learned about spyware. There’s not a lot of talk about it, but anything that secretly infiltrates my PC tends to bother me, particularly if it causes my computer to slow down, as spyware is wont to do.

Spyware consists mostly of banner ads, tracking software, and cookies that are placed on your PC for the purpose of making money for someone other than you. Spyware is not mean-spirited like a virus, or vulgar like spam — it’s just irritating. Most of the spyware on your computer is there by your own consent because you were not truthful with the shareware company when you downloaded their program. Don’t believe me? When you installed that shareware last week, you clicked a button that said “I have read and agree to the terms and conditions of this product,” which, as everyone knows, is the biggest lie in the software industry because no one ever reads the terms and conditions of any software product regardless of where it comes from. Two of my brothers are overly paranoid attorneys who peruse legal contracts for amusement, and they don’t even read those things. But if anyone ever did take the time to read those terms and conditions, they’d see that there’s a price for free software, and that price is called spyware.

Some spyware alters your Windows Registry, which is particularly bothersome because, to many of us, the Registry is a risky place that should be entered into only with extreme caution. It’s sort of like the electrical wiring in your house: if you touch something you’re not supposed to touch, you could end up flat on your back humming “Pop Goes The Weasel” until your vision returns.

Fortunately, several companies make software that effectively removes spyware from your PC. Spybot seems to be a popular one, probably because its creator is an egalitarian who, out of principle, believes in giving away his software for free. I like free software because it puts the ball in my court. If I like the software, I can voluntarily donate money to their company. If I don’t like it, I can voluntarily donate money to my retirement account. Either way, someone’s happy. But free software makes things difficult for the competition. There are at least five other spyware detection programs trying to make inroads against Spybot. I called one of them on the phone. (Their name has been changed to keep me from getting sued.)

“Hello, Better Spyware Detector. My name’s Ryan. How can I help you?”
“Hello, Ryan. I need some spyware detection software, and Spybot seems to make a good one that’s free. Why should I buy yours instead?” I asked him this, conveniently omitting the fact that I work for the company that practically invented the concept of software-for-profit.
“Well, sir, I’m not familiar with that spyware package…” (Liar.) “…but we believe that you get what you pay for. Our software is very competitively priced and we feel that by paying a small price, you’ll place more value on the product and more respect in the company.”
“But just because Spybot gives away their software doesn’t mean it has no value.”
“Certainly not, sir. But our company prides itself on building long-term relationships with our customers. We do that through value and respect.”
“How are sales, Ryan?”
“Sales are really good. We’re fourth in our market but we’re climbing, and I think it’s because we value our customer relationships.”
“So you’re saying this isn’t about money?”
“Not at all, it’s about respect.”
Suddenly I’m talking to Joe Mantegna.
Ryan gave me a rundown of his software’s features and I compared them line-by-line to Spybot’s. They were practically identical except, of course, for the price. It was time to end this relationship.
“Ryan, you seem like a nice guy, and I’m sure your software is worth what you’re asking, but Spybot’s policy of free software is looking really good to me.”
“Well, think of it this way, sir. Our product is the oldest and best established spyware removal software on the market. We’ve been here since Day One and we’ll be here after other companies have gone out of business.”
“Wait a minute. You’ve been here longer than anyone else, but you’re fourth in sales?”
“Yes, that’s right.”

My decision was made. I hung up the phone, downloaded Spybot, and deposited $25 in my IRA. A few more calls like that and I can retire.