Following herein are the laws of the tech. These laws are those which are observed by all techs, both new and experienced. However, not all of the laws apply to all techs. Some laws only apply to techs which have reached a certain level of expertise, and the effects of many laws become more exaggerated, as well as more exacted, based upon experience. As with all natural laws, certain inhibiting factors can affect the matters, and other factors can promote the tech. Here are the laws:
Law I: Law of Matter/Energy Inconsistence
At any point, for apparently any reason, matter near to the tech can and will spontaneously and completely transubstantiate into energy. Often this is accompanied by an electrical power surge in the building where the tech is.
Law II: Law of Time/Space Distortion
The tech’s hands are guided by the Tao of the Tech, and can move fast enough where any observer is confounded as to the happenings in whatever the tech is working on.
Law III: Law of Length/Duration Elasticity
Standardized lengths for things like cables can be extended by the sheer presence of a tech. Ex: in the presence of a tech, 18″ IDE cables can reach lengths of at least 21″, if not more. Also, routines with standard time lengths, like a boot, can be accelerated or delayed as necessary by the will of the tech.
Law IV: Law of Extended Reputation
A tech, if known by one person to be a tech, will be known by others completely unassociated, oftentimes over great distances. The amplitude of the reputation increases inversely as the person knows less about the tech. Ex: “I have never met you, but <
Corollary to Law IV: Rule of Assumed Omniscience
People whom the tech has never met will automatically assume that the tech knows everything, including things unrelated to the topic of computers, such as “The Evolution of Japanese Furniture in the Koto Period”.
Law V: Law of Inverse Administratorial Reliability
The more a tech does right, the less the people who are in administrative positions over him will trust him.
Law VI: Law of Definitive Speech
A true tech, when he speaks, is automatically correct. If a true tech claims that tossing a cat and the computer in the spin cycle together will work, it shall.
Corollary to Law VI:
Should two or more techs disagree, the preeminent tech shall hold precedence, and his statement be held as truth, for he flows more freely with the Tao, and directs its course.
Secondary Corollary to Law VI:
Should a tech renege any statement he has made, such statement is held to be henceforth no longer under the laws of the tech. Whether it be true or false is henceforth under the realm of the natural.
Law VII: Law of Parabolic Educational Intelligence
The more a tech knows, the less he will pass on in trying to educate a user. Ex: no Microsoft technician will ever explain things in a simple manner. However, the kid down the street can explain in rather simple terms how to do nearly anything.
Law VIII: Law of Proliferated Communicatory Insubstantiance
A tech gets more junk email than anyone else, without explanation.
Law IX: Law of Importance Relativity
When in the case of a severe problem requiring quick action, the tech can suspend or bend certain laws of nature. As an example, a tech can traverse great distances in nearly no time, without anyone being aware of the time crunch.
Corollary to Law IX: Rule of Inverse User Importance
The more severe a user’s problem, the less likely they will provide any useful information about it. Also, the chances increase of the user not even being present.
