Law X: Law of Aural Imperceptibility
Very few people can actually hear a tech speak. When a tech is speaking to a person on the topic of computers, it takes a gifted user to get past the standard greeting of “Hello.” This law does not apply to common conversation.
Law XI: Law of Tech Self-Sufficiency
A tech needs less food and sleep as the tech aura in the area he is in increases. The aura of the tech can be roughly figured by the computing power present in the room, how many “users” are present, and how many techs are present. Users have a negative effect on the tech aura. Ex: Do not allow non-techs into Comdex, and bring ASCI White to Comdex. Under this law all the present techs should be able to survive on a 15 minute power nap and a granola bar for about 2 weeks.
Law XII: Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
A tech can store anything anywhere. Pulling a rack mount server from one’s pants is not difficult for the fully empowered tech.
Law XIII: Law of Relative Strength
The strength a tech possesses is relative to the item he wishes to carry. An item with little to no technical aura, like a dumbbell, is nearly impossible for a tech to lug around, regardless of the mass thereof. Conversely, an item with a strong tech aura, like a rack mount server, could easily be carried by one tech for nearly any distance.
Law XIV: Law of Presumed Cranial Capacitance
Anyone the tech comes into contact with will make the assumption that the tech can remember any set of data, no matter how disconnected or unrelated the data may seem to be. Ex: it is assumed that a tech has at his disposal the serial number series for the L2 Cache used on the motherboard which had a particular serial number.
Law XV: Law of Nocturnal Misappropriation
The fully actualized tech has no sleep pattern whatsoever. He sleeps as the need arises, no matter when that might be.
Corollary to Law XV: Rule of Nocturnal Maladjustment
With nothing better to do, a tech may or may not sleep for any length of time, including an 18 hour nap on days where he has nothing better to do.
Law XVI: Law of Pervasive Assumed Malignity
It is always believed that a tech both has the capacity, will, and desire to destroy and wreak havoc of any and all kind on society.
Mentioned above were a few terms which need some defining for the purpose of this paper. For our purposes, a “user” is defined roughly as a person with absolutely no technical skills whatsoever. Those are the people whose every clock constantly flashes 12:00. The “Tao” is merely the equivalent of “The Force” as described in Star Wars fiction. It is the energy which flows through the tech, helping him to attune himself to the aura of the tech. I could speak for many hours on the Tao, though the Tao itself speaks without words. A “tech” is any adherent to the ultimate progression of technology, with an emphasis on the study, repair, and composition thereof.
Many of the full effects of the laws above are only evidenced when dealing with a fully actualized tech. Such is the tech who spends the whole of his time flowing with the Tao.
–Disclaimer Time–
1. Now, as a conclusion, I must state that this was intended in jest, and should be taken as such. No one who cannot program their VCR should come to me and complain, and my intent was not to poke fun at you as much as it was to exaggerate some evident trends in the computer technician field, one example of the exaggeration being on the adage of “Give a nerd a computer and he won’t eat or sleep for a month.” I apologize for any offense made, and I apologize all the more so if you cannot take this lightly enough that you need to email me to complain.
2. As a secondary disclaimer, I must say that I in no way intend to offend any Taoists. I realize that there is much truth in applying Taoism to many aspects of life, yet I take a rather lighthearted approach to all eastern religions, and hope not to offend any of them. Once again, if you cant take it in a lighthearted manner, don’t email me just to vent, as I will vent back in return.
3. Editors Note:Jeffery Powell does not nessessarily reflect the views of PC Media INC.
Pages: 1 2
Like what you read?
If so, please join over 28,000 people who receive our exclusive weekly newsletter and computer tips, and get FREE COPIES of 5 eBooks we created, as our gift to you for subscribing. Just enter your name and email below:
