I don’t want to cause a problem. I really don’t. I’m not one to go looking for conflict, and I think I’m a pretty nice guy. But sometimes even nice guys have to draw the line. And my new line is this: I DO NOT WANT TO FIX YOUR COMPUTER.

There are more reasons for this than I can list here. So I’ll just start with the biggest reason and work my way down until I run out of space.

It always takes longer than you think.
Again, I’m not trying to be a bad guy here, but all you’re really giving me are symptoms. I have to perform the diagnosis and administer the treatment. That takes time, and sometimes multiple visits. Who has that kind of time? After work, if I’m not taking someone to the batting cage or gymnastics, I’m home trying to meet a writing deadline. And frankly, if you’re smart enough to figure out how to scrape enough money together to buy a computer, then you must be smart enough to spend a little time learning about the thing.

Other people can do a better job.
While it’s true that I may know trifle more about PCs than the average user, don’t mistake me for a real technician. Computer technicians are paid to do things like clean your registry, adjust your page file size, and remove your spyware. I know they charge a lot, but that’s because most of them know what they’re doing. When you get your computer back from them, the bill is too high but your PC runs better. It’s like taking your car to a garage. Same thing. Furthermore, real PC technicians seem to enjoy tinkering with computers. It’s like fun to them. One Microsoft guy, Adam, actually smiles whenever he opens the box. It’s eerie. I mean, what’s there to get excited about? An extra expansion slot? For crying out loud, Adam, it’s not a Christmas present, it’s a computer! Silicon, wires, jumpers, and fans.

But Adam loves it. He’s knowledgeable and patient, and, like the mechanic who works all day at the garage and all night on his ‘68 Charger, Adam has found his passion in life. He proved that last summer when a bunch of us went jet skiing at the lake. It was an expense paid, all-afternoon event.

On the way back, I said, “Anyone know where Adam was? I didn’t see him at the lake.” To which someone replied, “He said he was going to overclock an old PC.”

“Cool,” I said, as though the two activities were even remotely comparable. (Hmm, can’t decide what to do today…go skydiving or upgrade my hardware drivers.)

The problems are many and varied.
While a PC’s core components haven’t changed much over the years, the problems introduced by massive applications, multiple peripherals, and (especially) the Internet, have made diagnosing a computer’s problems more difficult today than ever before. For example, back in the 1980s, when my PC was running too slow, it probably meant that I had either overloaded my hard drive or needed more RAM to run my applications. Simple stuff, really. Just offload some old programs and see what happens. And while that remedy is still viable today, the modern PC is more likely to be slowed by spyware than by memory thrashing.

So when you say your computer is running too slow, what does that mean? Has it slowed gradually at startup? Do apps take forever to execute? Is it only when you’re on the Web? This goes back to the time issue. If I’m going to fix your problem, I need to find it first, and that alone will probably take more time than I’ve got. Heck, since I bought SpeedUpMyPC, I don’t even spend time taking my own computer’s pulse anymore.

It’s just too awkward when something goes wrong.
This probably deserves to be higher on the list because it’s such a big deterrent to my ever making a house call to fix your PC. Let’s face it, things happen. Wires get yanked. Pins get bent. Files get deleted. And when they do, you want restitution from the responsible party. If that party is me, the conversation goes something like this:
Me: Geez, will you look at that?
You: What?
Me: I thought I saved that file before I changed it, but now I can’t find the original.
You: Is it important?
Me: You might say that.
You: Can we get it back?
Me: Do you have a recent backup?
You: Backup?

Then I start apologizing and you start making like it’s not a big deal, but we both know that it’s best for all concerned if I just leave. That’s awkward, man. So why take a chance on putting us in that situation by asking me to fix your PC?

So, yes, I do have a life outside of my job, and, yes, since we’re friends, that life does involve you. But instead of making me your friend AND your personal PC fixer, let’s keep computers out of it and just stay friends. Agreed?