Family problem------

[eshort]

I really respect u guys and aks for advise on this issue!

My 99 y/o mum seems to have fallen into a deep depression in the past 3 weeks-she lives in an assisted living facility ( 2 meals daily , landry done once weekly but no other services) she has a visiting nurse once weekly (for meds and vital sign checking).

She had a heart attack 2002 but recovered well (no susbequent cardiac events or symptoms)

she was fine up until feb 1--since then--she seems very depressed, listless, lacking in energy and does nothing each day ecept sleep and complain--vague symptoms nothing specific.

Doctor examijed last week--no changes since 2002 (ie lab tests and special ekg all normal)

she seems to be geting more listless and sad each day despite a regime of meds (incl antidepressents).

she is sceduled to be seen by another doc 2/13 (a cardiologist)

i wonder if any of u hv experienced similar issues with a parent/relative--and if so-how did you handle it?

i dont like idea of nursing home= they will stick her in a chair and let her sit there everyday etc.

she can not come to live with me or my siblings for various reasons--so that option is out.

thanks!!

[mbossman2]

I can tell you that sitting around a nursing home/assisted living facility all day ain't exactly a cup of tea.

if it is all possible, can you and you siblings get her out for a few hours every day or so? it is possible that she has a case of cabin fever. take her places, do things with her (all within her abilities and health status of course).

My mom spent almost 2 years in a nursing home/rehab center after her surgery stroke before she could come home and those 2 years were very very difficult on her....but getting her out and about helped immensely.

[glc]

I hope this doesn't sound cruel, but my mom and grandma went through much the same thing. It's her time to go and her system is telling her that. My advice is stop drugging her and just keep her comfortable and let nature take its course.

[HAL9000]

It might be stating the obvious... but has anyone simply asked her... what she needs or wants?

[mbossman2]

It might be stating the obvious... but has anyone simply asked her... what she needs or wants?

doh!

the simple question....and the most informatiive

[HAL9000]

Ya.. it might not provide any answers, but it may also dump a weath of info too.

[glc]

Yeah - both my grandma and mom told us what they wanted - they wanted to go. My mom wrote a living will after seeing what Grandma went through. I was Mom's power of attorney and I had to stop the docs from ripping her open when her heart started failing. You may not agree with her wishes, but you should ensure that they are complied with, whatever they may be.

[mbossman2]

a living will/DNR (do not rescusitate) is the hardest thing in the world to deal with...at the time I couldn't...I left it to my brother, sister and father to make the call....but looking back, I would not make the same choice again...whatever YOUR choice is (ethical, moral or religious), put it down in writing and let your wishes be known...

now, back to mom...yes, ask her...she very well might just be plain old bored and want to get out and about rather than be bored with life...you won't know until you sit down, as a family and talk to her....get all the family together, pack her up and take her out for lunch/breakfast and have a talk...

[eshort]

tx for all thoughtsd--i have asked her innumerable times: what does she want/what is botheinr her etc--no answer--just vaugue "I dont know"--maybe her system IS telling her sumthing she does not want to tell us..altho all medical tests so far r unremarkable--I DO taker her out 2-4X/weekly (lunch-short rides etc)..and i spend several hours with her at each visit.

she also has visiting nurse 1x/week for checks and medication monitoring.

tough call-------------

[bailey]

I am what you call old fashioned, I have always believed that family should take care of family.
in today's society it is much easier to just place the older folks in a home by them selves so you don't have to be bothered with them.
they just don't fit in with your busy daily life and activities.
when you do this, sure they will get depressed and feel that they are not needed anymore, so the doctors pump them full of drugs to subdue them to a quiet state and provide everything they need so that they just sit there and have nothing to do at all.

to me this is wrong thing to do, these old folks still want to be a part of life, they want to share the daily activities with you every day, just going to visit them once in a while and taking them out to eat is not giving them what they need, it only satisfies you guilt .

its kinda like out of sight out of mind so you can go on having the fun of doing the things you want to do with out dragging a old person with you.

but that is the way things are done today and soon becomes the normal way of doing things when it comes to old people.
by keeping a parent home with you , they are able to still be a part of the living and enjoyment of everyday life, also they will feel like they are wanted and needed,
this alone will stop the depressing problems and probably some other health problems by being able to get rid of some of the drugs.

as I see it there is two choices, keep them as part of the family and your activities or put them away somewhere else so they can slowly die.

you asked for opinions and this is just my point of view,

[eshort]

welll i fully agree-but-none of us are in a position to take her in--she lives in a very nice assisted living facility--i vist her at least 4-6X/week: talk with her, take her to lunch,. shopping, for short drives etc. I also do all her shopping and take her to all appointments....

i think this is a case of worsening depression---a tough call-as most doctors treat this with drugs....i amy try a geriatirc psychiatirc referral to see if therapy can help at this point.

trouble is---mum does not want to do anything: socialise with other people, attend events which her facilitry hosts nearly everyday....her eyesight/hearing is poor and i know that limits her-and-makes her self concious....

as is see it-nursing home is very last resort--as they simjply drug patients to keep them quiet-sit them in wheelchiars-and collect $10,000 per month ----i detest nursing homes and am trying my best to avoid that option!

[bailey]

I really under stand what your saying and how you feel, I can also understand how she feels.

one must just keep trying and do all you can to get her to feel needed some how, that is probably one of the first thing that can cause the depression, I think.

I went through that same thing with my mom.

now its all my aunts and uncles. and it is a hard thing to do.

good luck.

[sgtspector]

When I was in the service I had a friend who's grandfather was in his late 80's. Before he enlisted and when he went home on leave he would always sneak the old guy out to a bar. He wanted a couple of belts. Not to get stumbling drunk. My friend said they were wrong to deny him. They were afraid it was bad for him. His attitude was "How much longer am I going to live, let me enjoy myself a little." We havent seen each other in years so I don't know how much longer his grandfather lived but he was really grateful to my friend. And my friend was happy to have his company. I guess my point is maybe she needs a little excitement in her life. If she's able maybe take her out or to a racetrack or something and let her place a bet. Something she may have never done before.

[bd1886]

I've had to deal with the same thing.(My older parents and relatives) The main thing is to stimulate their environment in small increments that don't overwhelm. Keep in mind that depression doesn't mean just "sad". The tough part of it is the other aspect of it which is reduced functionability. It's a "chicken or the egg" kind of thing but stimulation is key to increase their response. The smallest "choices" they can make, in the process, are actually big steps and need to be done gradually at first. Sense of regaining control (while accepting the things they can't) is slow and varies from person to person. (Sounds like you are doing an awesome job). Don't beat yourself up. Enjoy the small improvements (They're big). My mom is so much easier than my dad! They both respond in different ways but they do improve! Enjoy the small things.(When it comes to loved ones there is no such thing).

[chuck4456]

Nursing Homes (at best) are lousy. They are a true last resort. I've dealt with Alzeheimer's (although I still can't remember how to spell it) first hand. We had to put my grandmother in one during her last days on Earth. Luckily, she was gone in 3 weeks. All she did was lie on her side and Pray: "Take me Lord. Take me now." Keep her company, above all. Pray. You reach a point in which you have done all that you can do, even though you will second-guess youself for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, that's life.

[glc]

All she did was lie on her side and Pray: "Take me Lord. Take me now.

Hard as it may be, when this happens you DO have to pray for the Lord to take her (or however you express your beliefs).

[Im New]

I hope this doesn't sound cruel, but my mom and grandma went through much the same thing. It's her time to go and her system is telling her that. My advice is stop drugging her and just keep her comfortable and let nature take its course.


i somewhat agree with that like her will to live just isnt as strong...but like someone else said if possible get her out do something she might enjoy hell just go out to a family dinner or something

the best way to cure any depression is to get thier mind focused on something else