I Would Like To Know What Sites She's Been Too!

[FREELINE57]

Hello gang! This is the million dollar question, who wants to be a millionair? I have two desktops and this one is hard wired to a wireless router and my 14 year old girl has desktop #2( wireless) in her bedroom. Every time i try to go into her room she quickly gets off what ever sit she goes to. I respect her privacy but as a parent i still need to know but i don't want her to know i know! Can someone tell me if there is a way to do this from my desktop or is there some freeware out there i can use? The wireless unit is a linkys g with speedboost if that info is needed. Any thoughts??? thanks

[TechAuditor]

Hello FreeLine,

You might try SniperSpy. It can be found at http://www.sharewareplaza.com/SniperSpy-download_30624.html.

There are also products like PC Anywhere (Symantec) and GotomyPC (www.gotomypc.com) that would be less invasive....

or, you could just ask her ;)

[glfredrick]

I say, "Remember me, I'm your parent. Let's take a look at your history file together..."

If she says no, I say, "Fine. Let's remove your computer privileges. I either get to see where you are surfing or you don't get to surf."

If she pitches a fit (as I'm sure she will) remind her that you, as the parent, have every right to cut her off from society, except to feed her, clothe her, and send her to school, and that you'd be perfectly happy to do exactly that for say, oh, about 30 days or so...

Kid stuff is one thing, and every teenage girl has some things they want to hide from mom and dad, but they are still under your authority, and it is you that will ultimately pay the price should she go off the deep end before she is an adult.

[Fatality]

Indeed glfrederick! Instead of trying to find out what she is hiding, ask her straight up and if she says no just tell her she won't have the computer anymore or put some type of filter on her computer. If you don't feel like doing that, get a Keylogger from a site such as http://www.kmint21.com/keylogger/ that you can simply install while she is at school, have it run while she is home and hide it from the taskbar. Unless she knows how to handle a computer pretty well she won't find it. Try whatever you want.

[double_catch]

OK let me start of by saying that INTIMIDATING your child is that last thing you want to do! Lets remember this is a technical question not a 'how to' mother question. Ordering the child to do things without their right to choice is very dangerous for the childs developement especially when they are entering teenage years. Trust me on this I work in the field for a living! :-)

Having said that though you do want your figure in the house to be that which is more mature obviously! but at the same time the child should not be calling the shots! nor feeling intimidated! Simply approach your daughter - i assume you have a good relationship so you should be able to talk to her and discuss! not tell! but discuss how its a privilidge to have a computer at the age of 14.

Honesty is the best policy. Let her know that you are concerned about what she MAY be looking at. Worried about her SAFETY freaks on the net chatting etc. No offence but you probably should have installed software to monitor her in the first place. And I certianly do not mean to suggest anything here but it is very well that she is looking at material that is of explicit content or its something very TRIVIAL that she doesnt want you to find out about! even though it is trivial and probably wouldnt be a concern to you at all.

ACTIONS:

1. Have the chat with her

2. Install the monitoring software regardless of the outcome!

3. Cheeck her browsing habbits regularly. If you dont want her to look at certain material then you have to monitor it.

I hope this helps.. Just remember all you have to do is find a way to relate to the child...it is so simple yet so many parents fail to do it. And dont forget the monitoring software she is 14 after all and its a big world out there! Cheers..

[kev7555]

Sorry, got to disagree with the last post.

Spying on your children without their knowledge is the first and best way to get discovered and lose their trust entirely.

Yes, confront them about what they are viewing. Kids need direction and actually crave it. The kids who get in the most trouble are those who are not monitored by their parents. I had this problem with my son when he was about fourteen. I went in and looked his history of visited sites and told him: "Fine, if you want to visit porn sites, OK, but run all of your antispyware and antivirus programs regularly because you are surfing in dangerous zones".

Simply the knowledge that I knew what he was doing guided him into better surfing practices. Yeah, you can install some program to figure out where they are going but all that does is aid you in spying on your chilkdren. Be up front with them and make it known what you disapprove of. It really doesn't matter, they are going to view what they wish regardless of your preferences. The important thing is to let them know you care about it.

My kids are all in college now, well adjusted and responsible.

-Kev

[FREELINE57]

Thanks people you all have been a great help. I guess i always knew the answer or at best what i must do! THANKS...

[Petef56]

Thanks people you all have been a great help. I guess i always knew the answer or at best what i must do! THANKS...

Freeline57,
This is a very interesting topic that many people can relate to.
Please let us know how you make out. ---pete---

[perkster]

besides if you block them viewing stuff at home they will view it round friends houses and at school.

[bd1886]

That shook down well!!

[doctorgonzo]

The best policy is to not let kids have computers in their rooms. Put PCs in public areas where they can't hide what they are doing.

[glfredrick]

I'm in the marriage and family business myself, but I take somewhat a different approach than the current children's rights position. I like my way better... kids don't, but they get over it.

[XenaWP]

See, this is why I have cats. I tell them to stay away from the kitty porn when they're surfin, and they listen.

[mairving]

See, this is why I have cats. I tell them to stay away from the kitty porn when they're surfin, and they listen.
I've never seen a cat do what you tell them before.

[mairving]

This information may be helpful to you as well. Most has already been mentioned but a good guideline.
RULES 'N TOOLS GUIDELINES FOR INTERNET SAFETY (http://www.enough.org/inside.php?id=KXQN5947I)

[Panama Red]

I've never seen a cat do what you tell them before.

Reminds me of one of my favorite glc-isms. :D


"You haven't torn your hair out till you have tried installing
plug and play hardware in a Windows 3.1 or NT box
- that's like trying to herd cats.":eek:

As someone who is owned by 3 cats, I can relate.:p

[FREELINE57]

Well i think i know what she has been trying to hide from me and i don't think she's trying to keep it from me she just wants her own little peace of cyber space but that place is MY SPACE which i know there are lots of freaks and perverts who claim to be someone their not. I just hope i have done my job teaching her right from wrong and making the right choice. Only time will tell!

[SARGE]

Several years ago I installed Spector Soft on the wife's (ex now) computer and felt guilty doing it. However I found the info I had suspected which sickened me to read the mails between her and 2 boyfriends. I felt cheap as a spy yet was vindicated with the info I read. She now is an "ex". It's an emotional thing you have to do, but if you suspect something, you owe it to yourself to find out - the results may sicken you but is sometimes required for your own peace of mind. With the facts in hand, you can then make decisions based upon facts, not speculation.

[XenaWP]

When you do something like that that makes you feel bad, it is testimony to your own good character that it makes you feel bad.

IMHO you are not sinking to their level, you are *compensating* for that person's lack of honor and honesty. They don't seem to have the same bad feelings about lying/sneaking/cheating.

And you are honoring and valuing your own self by finding out what they are up to. Standing by and "taking it" while suspecting you are being cheated on, that tends to show you don't even value yourself very much, to be willing to be treated that way.

My $.02.

[glfredrick]

I still say that she is your responsibility, and you have every right to investigate what you need to investigate in order to fulfill your duties as a parent -- a fact that we've seen to have lost in our modern world. Not in a Hitleresque sort of way, but as a loving, caring dad that wants the best for his kiddos, take care of business.

Too many stories about kiddos getting lured off into some cyber-perv land by some whacko and the parents always say that they had no clue... Have a clue if you love your kids.

Also be prepared to be shocked out of your skin. As a pastor, you wouldn't believe the stories I get to hear on a regular basis. The "nicest" kids are often into stuff that any good porn purveyor of the 1970s wouldn't have dared to sell, not to mention all the drugs, etc., that are seemingly just another life-style choice these days.

[Petef56]

Several years ago I installed Spector Soft on the wife's (ex now) computer and felt guilty doing it.

Yeah, sorry to hear that Sarge.
I'm curious to know which Antispyware programs you run on that PC and do they
detect the Spector Soft spyware?

---pete---

[SARGE]

Yeah, sorry to hear that Sarge.
I'm curious to know which Antispyware programs you run on that PC and do they
detect the Spector Soft spyware?

---pete---

I haven't used the "program" since 2003 - didn't need it after that. However I do remember that the spyware programs back then didn't see it, because it's not built as that type of snoop. They wouldn't sell it, nor would any of the other snoop programs nowadays, if they could be detected by some anti-spyware program. It's not a spyware, although one uses the program as such of course. Check out Spector Soft or any of the others and read their notes about the product. From the link, version 2.2 is all you need - a snapshot of everything every few seconds. I used the same. "Spector is appropriate for parents concerned about what their children do online, or worried about protecting their children from the dangers of the Internet."

http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/

[kev7555]

Hey Sarge, I've been there too.

Just got divorced after 20 years, same scenario as yours. Best thing that ever happened to me. Turns out she was a prescription drug addict as well. Much happier now. You never know what is around the next corner...


-Kev,

[SARGE]

Hey Sarge, I've been there too.

Just got divorced after 20 years, same scenario as yours. Best thing that ever happened to me. Turns out she was a prescription drug addict as well. Much happier now. You never know what is around the next corner...


-Kev,

Another of my favorite sayings, besides my signature is, "When He closes a door, He then opens a window". Believe in that. :)

[kev7555]

True story. I do believe it.

[Petef56]

I haven't used the "program" since 2003 - didn't need it after that. However I do remember that the spyware programs back then didn't see it, because it's not built as that type of snoop. They wouldn't sell it, nor would any of the other snoop programs nowadays, if they could be detected by some anti-spyware program.
http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/

I just had an online chat with Spectorsoft and here's what he told me...
"All of our programs are not currently detectable by any anti virus and anti spyware programs."

The odd thing is, they don't state that on their website.
That's a pretty important detail to leave out.

Sarge, thanks for your response!

---pete---

[FREELINE57]

Hey SARGE, if i were to use this software would this be installed on CP1 or CP2?

[SARGE]

Hey SARGE, if i were to use this software would this be installed on CP1 or CP2?

Sorry, I don't know what those are.

[FREELINE57]

sorry, Computer1 or Computer2?

[doubledragon5]

We have 4 pc in my house and I controll all.. My kids know when I want to see where the have been they don't give me any grief.. It is simple I see what I want or you can move out.. As far as I'm concerned they don't own anything. The wife and I own all unless they purchased it with their own cash.. Any I do remind them that often...

[FREELINE57]

I agree DOUBLEDRAGON5! my 14 year old has been reminded this quit often and she knows this. But getting back to the issue at hand (web surffing) the computer can be a useful tool or it can be a wepon of target for the young, old and unknowing. That is where i as a dad must step in. I HAVE TO KNOW where she has been! That is my job!!! I really do trust my daughter as she gets very good grades in school and has never lied to me IF I ASK HER A QUESTION. It bothers me that she has a page on that MY SPACE site. I pray to god as my witness that i have showed her right from wrong and to know the difference. Anyway.... is there any other software out there that might be freeware? thanks........

[SARGE]

I don't know of any "freeware", and haven't even't used the pay stuff for 4 years. What I can say is that you have a right to know, and if it means cutting back on a few daily items expense-wise, it is well worth the cost of a program that takes a screenshot every second. Afterall, we're talking big-league items here that could effect everything. While computers have been a blessing in so many ways (you count them yourself), they and the Net have opened up a whole 'nother area. You alone have to make the choice where your dollars go

[jer888]

hey freeline, I can give you advice from your daughters side (kind of, im not a girl tho...)... but im 15....

I think the LAST thing you want to do is betray your daughter's trust and do it without asking her. You are her parent and I understand where you are coming from but I personally give much more respect to those who return it to me. She is a 14 year old but she is also growing up. You have to let us make our own mistakes sometimes. Just tell her that you are concerned about myspace and the pervs that look for girls on it. Make sure she understands it and that you are concerned about her safety. After that if you really feel strongly about it then tell her to delete her account but I do not think this would be effective practically, since she can simply make another one with her friend in 5 minutes. Good Luck

[whubbard]

Yeah, i was just about to basically post was jer888 posted before I saw his post. Personally, my parents don't come near my computer because I pretty much have to turn the family computer on for them. I have always had complete privacy on my computer, and they have never tried to break that trust. If I found out they had, I would most likely lose all trust. Also, I understand you know more about computers than your daughter, but what about her friends? You would be surprised how easy it is to get around these programs.

I would suggest you back off unless you truely have something to be concerned about (i.e. violence, drugs, or drinking)

Also I bet most of the time she is just closing an IM she doesn't want you to see.

but thats just my 2 cents.

BUT: I understand if you are worried. Keyloggers are free, and work wonders.
Here is a link to a good one:
http://www.download.com/System-Surveillance-Pro/3000-2162_4-10625684.html

plus is has a trial so you can make sure it works fine.

p.s. but if you install that without her full knowledge of what it does and she finds out about it, don't expect the truth ever again.

:: Oh and by the way...i've stayed up all night on my computer...so glad my parents don't have that software installed :: :) (really not helping my arguement, especially because I have an exam today...well im going to sleep for 2 hours now)

[RowanSpry]

all shes doing is probablly just talking to a big bunch of people on MSN or something. probably just feels uncomfortable with someone reading her conversations. Its like someone listening in on your private conversations..

Also should you be able to just look in her history folder whilst shes at school?

[jer888]

I have 4 year old cousins that know how to delete their history...........................

[Stuey]

The best policy is to not let kids have computers in their rooms. Put PCs in public areas where they can't hide what they are doing.
This is what my parents did. Once we turned 18 we had our own computers for college and then I eventually installed a wireless router.

If you're really concerned, restrict internet access to the family computer.

There's nothing wrong with myspace or facebook as long as a profile does not have too much personal information.

[Kuch]

The bottom line is she is your daughter and only 14 years old, which means she is probably very impressionable and possibly naïve about the skills of online predators. I suggest you straight out ask her about her surfing habits. Give her the chance to tell you herself where she normally hangs out online. The members of this site can all give you our opinions, but we don’t know you or your daughter, so you have to take these opinions with a grain of salt. Be straight forward with her and give her the chance to answer you. Ask her what she is always closing when you walk in the room. The worst thing you can do is ring your hands worrying but do nothing else about it. If after you talk you still feel she is hiding something, then look into installing a freeware keylogger.

[Panama Red]

I wish there was some way to revisit this thread when all the young, single males that have posted and promoted "giving her space and respect" are grown and have children of their own. When you're young and invincible you think you have all the common sense and knowledge to make the right decisions. You don't need parental supervision and, heaven forbid, no adult should even think of asking where you're going, where you've been, who you've been with or what you've been doing! That's "none of their business"! Truth is, we were all young once and we've all done things we regret. And in today's world, even the internet world, there are all kinds of new creeps and perverts out to exploit the innocence and naivete of the young and uninitiated. Every parent has not only a right but a responsibility to protect his/her children from the perverts and predators. The best method is to talk to your child openly and honestly so they understand WHY you need to know about his/her internet travels. Get them to agree to openly reveal their private pages and allow you to read their MySpace profile. Explain how refusal makes them a suspect of wrong doing. It's not a matter of computer knowledge - it's purely about parenting. As long as they live in your house and you claim them as dependents on your tax return, you are responsible for their welfare and safety. Nothing more deploreable to me than a weak spined parent who allows their child/children to rule the roost like Bart Simpson. Don't be a Homer - be a Dad!!

[glfredrick]

Well said Panama Red...

I advocate a sharing relationship with the kiddos, but when they refuse to share, be a parent and do what you have to do. Your main goal is not to be your kid's friend -- it is to work to grow them to maturity to survive in a world that intends to eat them for lunch and spit their bones on your front porch.

I was invincible when I was in my teens as well. Oh, how many times I wish I could go back and start over knowing what I know now... I'd likely have a few more working brain cells, and perhaps even be a tad more successful in life. I've made way too many mistakes along the way. I also wish I had parents that even began to grasp what our world had to offer, and who had some ability to advise me in how to proceed.

Not to tell sad stories, but my parents were both children of first generation immigrants from the Old Country, and neither made it as far as high school. Their idea of "making it" in life was to "work hard" and "treat your mama with respect." That was naive. They actually took me to task for spending so much time reading, studying, learning all about that "new-fangled electronic junk" etc. As a result of their influence, I'm the only one of four sons that graduated high school and learned that there are more ways to make a living than shoveling manure...

Our kiddos are growing up in a whole new world, influenced by post modern thinking, which is generally anarchistic, nihilistic, and predatory, where "truth" is what someone makes it as they bend reality into a mold of their own making. That generality isn't the sum total of what makes people tick these days, but it is for the ones that would love to take our kiddos away from us by coercion, or force, if possible. Dividing lines are built between parent and child where the kiddo is convinced that his or her parents could never understand what they are going through -- a common tactic utilized in socialistic realms where control of the next generation is more important than holding the family unit intact.

Get involved in the lives of your kiddos. #1) You will be shocked. #2) You will be amazed. #3) You will become what they are actually looking for -- and trying to replace via on-line relationships.

I don't care at all for facebook, etc., but I'm out there just so that I can be out there. My kiddos link me to their sites and think it is cool that dad is there for them. I want my kiddos coming TO me -- not running from me -- and so far, it has worked very well. Oh, FWIW, my two sons are 27 and 22, both out on their own now, one married, a father, business owner, and homeowner, the other working as head tech at an auto repair shop, engaged, and working on the rest... I've been through this stuff and emerged on the other side with productive citizens that still love and respect their mom and dad.

[whubbard]

I think I need to elaborate a bit:

I did not mean that parents should not know/have control over what their children do. Personally, I do believe parents should know and have control over what their children do.

What I was saying was that it was a bad idea to install a program as that implies lack of trust. If there is a 'serious' reason to be concerned, then yes you do what you have to do, however in a normal situation it is better to just ask, what were you looking at?

An open relationship will cause your daughter to come talk to you when she needs to, or if a problem comes about. Should you install a program, she will despise it, and have a more closed relationship, so should she encounter a problem on the internet on a computer other than the one being watched...she might not come and 'openly' talk to you about it.

[glfredrick]

What I was saying was that it was a bad idea to install a program as that implies lack of trust. If there is a 'serious' reason to be concerned, then yes you do what you have to do, however in a normal situation it is better to just ask, what were you looking at?

I think that we are in agreement... Trust first and always, until proven otherwise, but in the end, the buck stops at the feet of mom and dad until that child gains majority age and is recognized as an adult with their own rights and responsibilites.

Just ask some of the parents out there who ends up paying the bills, etc., when Jr. or Missy screws up -- including, but certainly not limited to who raises the child born to a child...

[Unforseen]

Count me in as one of those who thinks she's just talking to friends on IM and feels uncomfortable with you seeing. Would you want people listening in on your phone calls? Be careful with how you handle this situation because it sets up a dangerous precedent.

[rjfvillarosa]

Some interesting reading and advice.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/2538491.stm

[whubbard]

Experts recommend that a computer used by children should be kept downstairs and in sight of parents and guardians. A tactic likely to encourage children to talk about what they are doing and to ask for help with anything they find troubling.


Could not agree more.

Which is why I have my desktop in the loft of my room. As far away as possible. Then again, with my family, I could put the PC anywhere and nobody would have a clue what I was doing.

But for younger children this is perfect.

[FREELINE57]

I think you all have good insight and have your own way of doing things but what it comes down to is that all parents want the SAME thing for there young ones. To guide them, To show them right from wrong, To understand them and their needs, To protect them, And let them know that you will ALWAYS be there for them! I think that i must lighten up because when i was growing up there was no such thing a pc as we know them now. I will have to trust my daughter and only hope that i have done my part. Your right!!! installing software is not the way to go. INTERACTING IS..................