Some Punny Stuff

[David M]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Some more for your self-inflicted torture:

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Last one I promise:
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Who needs an aspirin?

[HAL9000]

Those are HORRIBLE!!!!

[Nuclear Krusader]

Lame, lame, lame; do you know what I mean? Lame!

[pam123]

Those are so awful they're good!

[hitchface]

I laughed at number 10. The rest made me smile. Good work!

[shadowpr]

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


Those were my favorites.

Thanks for the laughs.

[Nuclear Krusader]

#4 is actually quite nice. Reminded me of the neutron who came into a bar and drank a couple of martinis, and when trying to pay the bill, the bartender said, "for you, no charge!"

[Panama Red]

We need a new smiley - one for groaning! Those were baaaaaad! (but I grinned)

[RevCLB]

if a pun ain't bad it ain't good. Thanks David

[Force Flow]

hehe, great finds. If anything, at least the 11th pun got a laugh, even if no pun in ten did.



"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." --Tommy Cooper

[TwoRails]

Some classic ones there: but still good humor

[Jaggannath]

I liked most of them, especially 7