classicly funny

[troysvihl]

Debate Transcript

Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Governor George W. Bush. The candidate will ignore the questions and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to the undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him.

When a speaker’s time has expired, I’ll whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Lets start with the Vice President.

Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often done during the thirty years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest one percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest one percent into an ironclad lock box so they can’t hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.

Mrs. Franpinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:
Governor Bush, your rebuttal?

Bush:
Governors are on the front lines everyday, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike y opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:
Let’s turn to foreign affairs. Governor Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn’t get it done. If I’m elected, the first thing I’d do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as Governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we’re going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal?

Gore:
Foreign policy is something I’ve always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I’m entrusted with the office of the president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign and domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lock box. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore:
It’s a vital issue, Jim. That’s why Joe Liberian and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having to cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have free drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer:
Governor Bush?

Bush:
That’s fuzzy math. I know, because as Governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up numbers and decide whether I’m going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas State fairgrounds.

Lehrer:
It’s time for closing statements.

Gore:
I’m my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician but I’ll fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lustful pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush:
It’s time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer:
Good night.

[w1che]

LOL Yep, that's funny & almost true.